10 Things

1.) On the first date

2.) Just after you’ve introduced yourself

3.) As you ejaculate

4.) When you get caught cheating

5.) When you’re over an hour late

6.) As a clarifier to saying ‘you look a bit fat in that’

7.) After you’ve hit on someone else in front of them

8.) As a legitiamte response in a row

9.) In your second online message

10.) As a response to a question you don’t know the answer to

For these moments there are two even more perfect words: SHUT UP.

1.) They only smell from their heads. No BO anywhere else.

2.) They do answer the question – Who is the fairest of them all? (yea, fuck off Snow White)

3.) If you hold them up to the sun you can see their organs working

4.) Their skin indicates how hard they’re working in the bedroom: If he ain’t red, then he’s dead

5.) They’re now so rare you can trade them in the Middle East for gold

6.) They’re more exotic than blonds

7.) You can pretend you’re dating a vampire when visiting hot countries

8.) They all have big pink balls – even the girls

9.) Their semen comes out at 40 degrees celsius (I shit you not)

10.) If you build up a harem you can re-enact Children of the Corn on weekends.

Go on. Love thy Ginger.

1.) You can go weeks only ever seeing the people in your office. And you don’t even like them

2.) You cry every Friday evening

3.) You cry every Monday morning

4.) By the end of the day you’re so hunched you can rest your chin on your knees.

5.) You go through 20 Marlborough a day and you don’t even smoke

6.) Red wine has become your ‘every night’ friend

7.) Your sole conversation is about your bitch of a boss

8.) You flinch at sunlight/ excercise/ people being happy

9.) You’ve started to play the lottery and feel suicidal when you don’t win

10.) You’re actively trying to get accidentally pregnant. Even if you’re a boy.

1.) You took the meaning of the words top and bottom literally

2.) You thought bareback was a reference to horse riding

3.) When you heard someone was cut you called an ambulance

4.) You thought your Nan was the best teabagger in town

5.) You discovered you have a very sensitive gag reflex

6.) You said ‘Wow that lube’s cold isn’t it, where are we putting it?’

7.) You ignored the warnings to take it slowly

8.) You lay fetal and screaming for 15 minutes once you realised your mistake

9.) Yes, that smell did come out of you

10.) He finished you, but you gave up when ‘your arm got tired’

10.) You weren’t prepared for the money shot which left you covered & shaking like a shitting dog.

1.) Even though I have an online profile I almost never check it

2.) You’re only the third person I’ve met from the internet

3.) This is my first drink in a month

4.) I’m not driven by looks, I think that’s really shallow

5.) I go to the gym for me, not to look good for other people

6.) I never sleep with someone on the first date

7.) I was just texting a colleague about a work thing

8.) The sex was great, of course I don’t mind you staying over

9.) No I definitely did not go through your phone when you fell asleep

10.) I’d love to see you again too! I’ll text you later in the week!

1.) I thrived on the drama of the London Riots and pretended my excitement was outrage.

2.) You weren’t invited because my friends don’t like you.

3.) You do look fat in that. you look fat in everything. you’re really fat.

4.) What she isn’t telling you is she pisses herself when she gets drunk. Every time.

5.) I’m not skint, I just don’t want to spend the money.

6.) Christ you look old.

7.) I’ve been online stalking you for months.

8.) Your baby is ugly.

9.) Yes we have met before. You came on my face on Clapham Common last summer.

10.) Let me finish myself off; you couldn’t find my G spot if I gave you a map.

Oh don’t look at me like that. With your eyes.