1.) They only smell from their heads. No BO anywhere else.

2.) They do answer the question – Who is the fairest of them all? (yea, fuck off Snow White)

3.) If you hold them up to the sun you can see their organs working

4.) Their skin indicates how hard they’re working in the bedroom: If he ain’t red, then he’s dead

5.) They’re now so rare you can trade them in the Middle East for gold

6.) They’re more exotic than blonds

7.) You can pretend you’re dating a vampire when visiting hot countries

8.) They all have big pink balls – even the girls

9.) Their semen comes out at 40 degrees celsius (I shit you not)

10.) If you build up a harem you can re-enact Children of the Corn on weekends.

Go on. Love thy Ginger.

An epidemic has swept the gay community and threatens to un-hinge us all. It’s frightening. It’s real. It’s called Gay Alzheimers.

Or, coined by local groups, ‘Galzheimers’

Studies show the affliction is wide spread and few gays are immune. Insiders claim many will have seen the signs but probably weren’t aware they were dealing with the symptoms of this debilatating epidemic…

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1.) You can go weeks only ever seeing the people in your office. And you don’t even like them

2.) You cry every Friday evening

3.) You cry every Monday morning

4.) By the end of the day you’re so hunched you can rest your chin on your knees.

5.) You go through 20 Marlborough a day and you don’t even smoke

6.) Red wine has become your ‘every night’ friend

7.) Your sole conversation is about your bitch of a boss

8.) You flinch at sunlight/ excercise/ people being happy

9.) You’ve started to play the lottery and feel suicidal when you don’t win

10.) You’re actively trying to get accidentally pregnant. Even if you’re a boy.

On the BBC documentary, The Duke at 90, the Duke of Edinburgh recounted what he told Prince Charles when it came to dealing with the press:

“Don’t talk about yourself; Nobody’s interested in you.”

I love this because it’s  indictative of the times we live in. We blog, we tweet, we live more public lives now than ever before, where all we do is talk about ourselves.  This is no bad thing if people find us interesting. But it also gives rise to the ‘real me’s’. Those who live public lives and then publicly hint at even more of themselves to be had which you don’t know about. It’s the bit they keep back; reserving that special part for an exclusive handful.

I have issues with real me’s.

Only a chosen few get to see the REAL me; If they knew the REAL me then they’d love me; It’s my time now to show the REAL me *audible gasps*

You are not a new designer label about to be launched on the market. You are not a new generation iPhone. People will not be queuing round the block to get a piece of you upon your revelation.

It’s totally bizarre in a society where we are obsessed with being real & genuine, that we on the one hand proclaim absolutely transparency and ‘what you are is what you get’ only to turn around and declare – that wasn’t me at all! That was a shell, a disguise, a mere taster for the exuberant wonder that is actually, drum roll please, the REAL ME!

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