As some of you might or might not know, I have a long and illustrious career in telly (quick, someone grab my feet). Yes, that lawless, soulless Wild West where pimps and thieves run free and good men die like dogs.  As part of my role, I’m responsible for making sure that everything you see on your telly screens has been signed off, released, contracted and cleared. This goes for the music you hear, the people you see, the places they are in and any artworks et al in the back of shot. House numbers, number plates, passers-by and even clothing labels are double and triple checked before a programme airs.

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1.) On the first date

2.) Just after you’ve introduced yourself

3.) As you ejaculate

4.) When you get caught cheating

5.) When you’re over an hour late

6.) As a clarifier to saying ‘you look a bit fat in that’

7.) After you’ve hit on someone else in front of them

8.) As a legitiamte response in a row

9.) In your second online message

10.) As a response to a question you don’t know the answer to

For these moments there are two even more perfect words: SHUT UP.

You know when you’re pining for someone after a date? It’s rare. It feels amazing. It’s the sign of a good date. But not all dates leave you feeling this way. In fact a lot of them make you want to give up the dating world all together. 2011 was not a good dating year for me. Here are some of the more memorable gems which I share with you for your viewing pleasure:

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